I have had a long history of fear around doctors and medical procedures and hospitals. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, but giving birth has always seemed terrifying. Mostly, I was afraid of having to get a c-section because of the thought of being cut open while awake. (I have so much respect for c-section mamas-you guys are warriors). I also had never really been around or seen birth, so the unknown of it all was so nerve wracking as well. When I found out we were going to be parents I had 9 months to learn to face that fear head on. By the end of pregnancy, I had dealt with a lot of the anxiety surrounding birth and was actually feeling fairly calm. We found out about the pregnancy on New Year’s Eve and it was the start of a year of learning to trust the Lord, even with something as big as this. I had no idea just how much that trust would be tested. 

Birth Story

Part 1

On Wednesday, August 23rd I went into my OB office for a routine appointment. At the appointment the doctor checked my cervix and proclaimed that I was 3cm dilated and the baby was head down and very low in my pelvis. She asked if I wanted my membranes swept to kick start labor. I was both elated and terrified! I was just over 39 weeks and scared that I would go past my due date and have to be induced. I agreed to the sweep and then rushed out to the car to tell Stephen. The sweep had a 60-70% chance of being effective, but my doctor warned me that whether I went into labor or not the sweep would likely cause cramps and a bit of bleeding.

That night we went to our life group meeting and I tried not to show any pain in my expression as my uterus contracted at frequent intervals. The group meeting was a welcome distraction from my pain and apprehension, and that night we were practicing hearing from the Holy Spirit and giving each other words of knowledge. Without my knowing, one of our friends, Andi, heard clearly from the Lord that I was in labor. She wasn’t sure if she should say the word out loud so she kept it to herself. 

That night we went home and I tried to sleep as best I could. Stephen had to work at 7:00am and so I tossed and turned and tried not to wake him. I managed to get a few hours of sleep, but I woke up at 3:45am and couldn’t get back to sleep. By 4:00am I knew that the contractions were changing. Instead of sporadic cramps, these definitely had a rhythm. There was a build up, a peak, and then a fall and I understood why they are sometimes referred to as “waves”. 

I knew I wouldn’t get any more sleep so I headed downstairs to lay on the couch. I repeated in my head during each contraction, “Relax, open, release” and “I welcome these contractions.” The funny thing is that while I knew I was contracting I still hadn’t fully accepted that I was in labor. Part of me worried that I was being dramatic and that these were just the “cramps” the doctor had talked about. I knew that if I believed I was in labor and had Stephen stay home, everyone at his work would know I was in labor and they would start asking if there was a baby yet. For some reason this felt stressful to me, like I was on a clock. They seem like ridiculous thoughts now, but at the time it was very important to me to keep this a secret for as long as possible! So when Stephen woke for work at 5:45, I told him to go and I would call him once I was sure it was labor. 

I knew as a first time mom that I was likely in for a long haul, and that distraction was the key for early labor. I got dressed for the day and did my makeup. Then I set up on the couch with snacks, water, and my current favorite comfort shows: Friends and The Big Bang Theory. 

At this time, Andi texted me and asked if I was in labor. She explained that the Lord had told her I was in labor last night! I told her she was hearing correctly. It was funny that I was doubting whether or not I was truly in labor, and the Lord used Andi to assure me that I was! 

At 6am I timed a few contractions and updated Tiffany, my doula. She advised me to relax as much as possible and let her know if anything changed. At around 11:00am I lost my mucus plug and my body started “clearing things out” for labor (after all, the business of giving birth is not always pretty). At noon I texted Tiffany and Stephen that they might think about heading over. I was no longer able to focus on my TV show so I started listening to my Christian Hypnobirthing tracks. I was having to go onto all fours and vocalize to get through the contractions. I still felt pretty calm and was able to relax between contractions, but I was feeling more confident that birth really was imminent. 

Stephen arrived not too long after that and we ate leftover Yum bowls from the fridge for lunch. I was excited not to be alone anymore and to have someone to support me through contractions. Just then, Stephen started to clean up our lunch dishes and discovered that the water wasn’t working! Our garden water had accidentally been left on all night and our pump stopped working so there was no water in the house. He spent the next hour frantically trying to fix it knowing we would probably want water when we came home from the hospital… So I labored another hour or so alone. 

Just as the water was fixed (I have no idea how he did it), Tiffany arrived! I was so happy to see her. She watched me go through a contraction and then immediately started giving suggestions. She had me get onto the floor and use my yoga ball to lean over instead of the couch and placed pillows around me to support me in between contractions. Her confident presence was very calming. I still hadn’t felt any fear up to this point and each contraction, while painful, was manageable. After a while, Tiffany started asking me to do some walking to help me progress. I was reluctant to leave my all fours position, but I knew this baby had to come out somehow so progression was a good thing! We did a few rounds of walking outside-or should I say waddling…

Around 2:45pm I was lying on my side on the couch and contractions started getting much more intense. I was having round ligament pain during each contraction and the pain was also starting to creep into my back. Tiffany had me get onto all fours and did some rebozo “sifting”. A rebozo is a long piece of fabric that she wrapped around my belly. Then she gently, but swiftly, sifted the fabric side to side. This helped a lot with the round ligament pain! Then she had me side-walk up and down the stairs to move the baby down. That brought on some really intense contractions! Lastly, she had me do 5 contractions on each side in the side lying release position. At this point I was really having to focus and be loud during each contraction. The pain was wrapping all the way around my back. 

At 4:30 Tiffany suggests it’s time to head to the hospital. I felt a moment of panic (“This is really happening!”) and then calmed myself. I knew the 30 minute drive might not be easy. During pregnancy I had dreaded being trapped in the car during contractions and I even had prepped the car with puke bags and towels just in case. The ride went much faster than I expected! I was blasting worship music and groaning with each pain, but before I knew it we were there! We arrived at the check-in desk and someone mercifully brought me a wheelchair. Getting to the triage room is a blur, but I do remember getting some strange looks from others in the lobby. I didn’t care one bit about what others thought of me, I was just thinking, “Jesus get me to a bed!” Once we got to triage I was hooked up to a monitor and my cervix was checked. I was at 5 centimeters and 100% effaced. Yay! We were in active labor! However, I was really hoping for closer to 8… I refortified myself that I probably still had a while yet. At that time I didn’t know just how long it would be!

After triage, they wheeled me down a very long hallway with lots of grooves in the floor. I winced as I rolled over every groove and secretly cursed whoever had built this hospital with such a bumpy floor! We finally arrived at labor and delivery. Tiffany voiced her concern that the baby might be in the OP position because of my back labor. This means the baby is head down but facing forward. His spine would be resting against my spine. This is not the most optimal position for birth, and I asked her in a shaky voice if I could still have him vaginally. She assured me that I could, but it might be a little more difficult. I breathed a sigh of relief as Bethany Hamilton’s famous quote came into my mind, “I don’t need easy, I just need possible.” 

She had me do a couple more contractions in the side release position to encourage him to turn. By 6:20pm I was requesting the tub be filled for pain relief. Sinking into that hot water felt like heaven and my whole body relaxed. The next 2 contractions were mild in comparison-the water was truly a pain reliever! The room was dark and cozy and my birth playlist was playing softly in the background. In the next half hour the pain increased and my contractions were coming in back to back. I was starting to struggle and asked to be checked again. At 7:30pm I got out of the tub and a nurse came in to check me- 8cm and baby at 0 station!! I had progressed from a 5 to an 8 in just 2 hours. I was ecstatic! 8-10cm is called transition and is normally the most difficult part of labor, but it is also the home stretch! I took a deep breath and told myself how close we were to the end. I could do this! 

I got back into the tub for a while, but I had to get out for the IV team to place my Hep-lock. The anesthesiologist asked if I wanted an epidural, but I refused. By 9:40 I was really struggling again. It had been 2 hours since I had been checked at an 8 and I wasn’t feeling any urge to push. The contractions were coming one on top of the other and they were wrapping all the way around my torso and even down my thighs. Tiffany suggests we get checked again and maybe confirm that the baby is in the OP position. 

At 10:30pm, a new doctor came to check me. I remember that as soon as she entered the room the atmosphere shifted. She seemed very cold and aloof with no compassion in her eyes. I immediately felt apprehension, but I didn’t know why. During her exam she was very rough and it hurt much more than any other time that I had been checked. I had been vocalizing during contractions in low tones, but during the exam I was screaming in pain. She proclaimed in a detached voice that I was around 5-6cm… 

Wait, what?? 

In that moment all of the calm and strength that I had been holding onto disappeared. I started sobbing and thrashing on the bed, and I was engulfed in pain and fear. How could this be? I was supposed to be moving forward, but I had gone… backward?? I was at 8cm just 2 hours ago! I was supposed to be nearing the end! I couldn’t think clearly and I started to doubt that this would ever be over. The light at the end of the tunnel I had been clinging to was suddenly snuffed out. 

The Lord had surely placed Tiffany in that room with us for a reason. While I was inconsolable and trying to process, she asked for the doctor to leave for a moment so we could discuss our options. I remember looking at her face over the railing of the hospital bed and sobbing that I didn’t understand. She was so gentle and calm, but I could also see the confusion in her eyes. She listed my options with no judgment or bias. I squeezed my eyes shut and told her I couldn’t keep going like this. By that point I had been laboring for 18 hours and there was no end in sight. I wanted a natural birth, but more than that I wanted a vaginal birth. I asked for the epidural so I could keep laboring. 

The trauma of that cervical check would stick with me in the weeks after birth. We would never know why the two exams had had such a different result, but I do know now with absolute certainty that God did not abandon me in that room like I had thought. 

Part 2

After the epidural and fetal monitors are in place, the room gets quiet. Tiffany goes out to her car to take a nap and Stephen settles in on the decidedly uncomfortable couch that he would complain loudly about later. Meanwhile, I sink blissfully into sleep. 2 hours later I am awakened by the same doctor who did my last check. She explains that she would like to start me on pitocin to speed up my contractions or break my water. She is whispering so as not to wake Stephen, but her words are firm. She seems to be informing me of her choice rather than asking my permission. I am blunt in my refusal, telling her I would like to wait a bit longer. She looks shocked that I would even have an opinion and tells me she’s not comfortable with waiting. Without blinking I look her straight in the eye and tell her that I AM comfortable with waiting. She looks stunned by this and awkwardly leaves the room. I immediately wake Stephen and ask him to text Tiffany to come back. My heart is pounding from the strange encounter with the doctor. I know the hospital staff is just trying to speed things along, but my intuition tells me that this baby needs some more time to turn. The doctors know if they exhaust all of the interventions at their disposal, then they can say they’ve tried everything and move me along to a c-section. 

When Tiffany comes back we talk about my encounter with the doctor. She looks at my contraction patterns and agrees that my labor has stalled, but she explains that if we break my water and the baby is still OP then that’s the position he will stay in. There won’t be any fluid left around him that would allow him to turn. On the other hand, if we start pitocin it will get contractions going again, but if he’s stuck then they won’t be doing much good. She suggests that we spend some time doing “spinning babies” which is the practice of using positioning to encourage a baby to turn in the womb. I’m ready to try just about anything so I wholeheartedly agree.

The epidural has taken away most of the pain of my contractions and I am quite numb from the waist down, but I can still wiggle my toes and (with great effort) bend my knees. This is what is called a “walking epidural” though that seems to be a misnomer since I couldn’t have walked if I tried. However, this does allow for some movement if I have assistance. The doctor comes back in and, with Tiffany at my side, we explain the plan to try to do some positioning over the next hour. She is much more receptive this time around to waiting a while longer. 

With Tiffany and the nurse’s help, I begin a series of positions that are designed to encourage the baby to turn. I lay on my side with a giant peanut shaped exercise ball between my legs. They help me onto my hands and knees for a few contractions and then contort the bed into a chair shape and I sit in “throne” position for a while. I am not feeling the pain of the contractions, but my muscles are quivering and working to maintain the positions. At 4:30am we agree to start pitocin to get contractions back on track and ask if we can check the baby’s position. 

At 7:25am I am checked by a nurse and she says I am 7cm and baby is at -1 station. Progress is being made! There are new doctors and nurses now that the shift has changed. A nurse midwife named Brooklyn comes in to introduce herself. I like her much better than the previous doctor and she asks if we would like her to attend me. Dr. Cooper is the OB on shift at the moment, but he has many patients on his list. This is again where Tiffany’s knowledge and experience in the hospital are invaluable. She gives me a subtle nod to indicate that this midwife is a good one, and we agree to have her instead of the OB. She does ask if we can break my water, but I reply with my desire to wait a bit longer and see if the pitocin progresses things first. She is receptive and agrees to check back in later. 

At 8:15am, Dr. Cooper comes in with a handheld ultrasound device and asks if we still want to check the baby’s position. Yes! He checks and it shows the baby is in LOP, which means that instead of looking forward (OP) he is now looking toward my right hip. He shows me on the screen that the baby is moving his head back and forth and trying to wiggle into position. He then talks about how there is lots of fluid in between the baby and my cervix and immediately launches into a plea to break my water. He mentions how long I’ve been laboring (as if I didn’t already know) and that we really need to move things along. I am exhausted at this point, but some instinct in me is screaming that breaking my water is not going to help! I evade him by asking for time to think about it and discuss. He reluctantly leaves the room. 

Tiffany and I talk about the ultrasound. We have made some progress in turning him, but she says that the fluid in the way probably means that his shoulder may be stuck on my pelvic inlet and that’s why he’s having a hard time moving down. She suggests that we try an inversion to disengage him from the pelvis and then re-engage him, hopefully in the right position. The nurse comes in and asks what we decided and we explain the plan. Shortly after, my regular OB enters the room to “check in”. It’s obvious that she has already been informed by Dr. Cooper and that he’s probably asked her to come in and “talk some sense into me”. After listening to yet ANOTHER spiel about the need to break my water, we explain the plan and why we think it will work. She hesitantly acknowledges that our logic makes sense and leaves dissatisfied. 

Looking back it was almost comical to remember the parade of doctors and nurses. They each knocked on my door, introduced themselves with a smile, and asked if they could break my water in a scene so identical you would think they were all reading from a script. I thank God that Tiffany was with us as we firmly deflected them and asked for more time. I am confident that if we would have broken my water prematurely then I would have ended up with a c-section.

We begin the series of movements that Tiffany referred to as an “inversion”. The first and hardest part would be the position that would hopefully disengage the baby from my pelvis. They lower the end of the bed and then help me turn so I am on all fours and my head is at the foot of the bed. Now I am as close as I could safely get to being upside down with my head lower than my hips. I am supposed to stay like this for 15 minutes, and Tiffany and Stephen are standing on either side of me supporting me in case I fall. I have no idea how I had the strength to do this after laboring for so long. My legs and shoulders were shaking the whole time! Somehow I managed to hold on until the 15 minutes were up. Then I did another series of side release/throne positions. 

After a while, Tiffany looks at the contraction monitor and says she’s feeling very hopeful! Things are starting to change and pick up again. It is now 10am on Thursday morning and Dr. Brooklyn comes in to check my progress. She asks again if we can break my water, but I ask if we can first check the baby’s position. She leaves to get Dr. Cooper again. At 10:20 I feel a gush of fluid-my water broke! Dr. Brooklyn comes back in and congratulates me on a spontaneous rupture. She says this is really encouraging! 

I continue to labor for the next 2 hours mostly on my side. My hips are starting to really hurt which I find puzzling because I am supposed to be numb… I continue to press the button for my epidural, but it seems to have no effect on my hips. I am also starting to feel a lot of pressure during contractions, but it goes away in between. My water continues to leak in little spurts and I am checked at 9cm with the baby at 0 station. Mentally I am completely exhausted. I remember almost being in a daze because I had been doing this for so long. It seems like there is no end to this limbo and I am almost apathetic. At one point I asked Tiffany if she thought I would have a baby today. She replied, “Sam you will be holding your baby in your arms by tonight.” I heard her, but it didn’t seem possible. 

At 2:12 I feel another big gush of water come out and a lot more pressure. At 2:20 Dr. Brooklyn checks me and I am finally complete! Time to start pushing! At the exact moment I start my first push, the last drop of my epidural is squeezed through the tube. Of course no one told me this at the time, Stephen told me later. There was no way for me to get another one now that I am pushing, so the staff didn’t mention it. They told me I would likely feel intense pressure, but I was not prepared for the pain! I kept telling them how much it hurt, and they kept just telling me in cheerful tones to keep going! I suppose the truth that I had no more pain medication probably wouldn’t have helped. I tried pushing on my side for a while, but I didn’t feel like I could get enough leverage so I moved to all fours. It did feel good to actually be doing something, and also that there was an end in sight. I pushed over and over with what seemed like little progress. At one point there was so much pressure and pain during a push that I felt like surely at least his head was out! I asked the nurse, “Is he out?” She probably thought I was crazy… she did tell me to reach down and feel his head and he was very close to the opening, but he was by no means out!

Finally I couldn’t physically stay on all fours anymore, so I went back to my side. A few pushes later at 4:26pm his head finally came out and the midwife pulled the rest of him from my body. Man that last push hurt!! They placed him right on my chest and he was so warm. He cried immediately and as I was looking down at him he raised his head and looked at me!! I couldn’t believe my eyes. He had almost perfect APGAR scores and a loud cry. He was definitely strong right from the start. 

One thing I have learned through all of this is that in the first few weeks and months after birth, a new mother is extremely fragile. Recovery was so much harder mentally than I had expected. I had a lot of questions for God about why my labor was so different from what I prayed for. I was angry and hurting over the trauma of it all. Where was the favor that he promised? For several weeks, all I could focus on was what had gone wrong. The Lord is so faithful though, and he didn’t leave me in that darkness. Slowly he began to point out the ways that he had been there. Hadn’t he made sure I had Tiffany and Stephen in the room? Hadn’t he protected me from c-section? What about the fact that Easton’s heart rate never faltered in the 18 hours I was hooked up to a monitor? I don’t know why my labor had to be so long with so much pain and confusion, but I do know God was there and he was working. There are many other women whose stories were much harder than mine, and I look back now with so much thanksgiving in my heart. 

Welcome to the world Easton! You are so loved.